Sixty Seconds V with: Phil Coltrane

Phil Coltrane

Phil Coltrane is our latest champ and Flash! Friday’s first-ever FIVE-time winner. Read his bio and find links to his previous interviews at his winner’s page here. What shall I ask you??? I said. We’ve covered the typical stuff. Let’s not be typical, then, said Phil, lighting the Sixty Seconds Interview Match, grabbing the mic, and grinning in an unsettling kind of way.

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Some said it was inevitable I’d find myself here. “Five wins merits more than just five questions.” When Rebekah asked me to take off my writer hat and describe my typical workday, I was hesitant. What’s to tell?

Software development is shamefully male-dominated, and nothing interesting happens in the Services Department. I spend my day drinking caffeine, staring at a screen, ignoring a fitful stream of curses filtering through my earbuds.

The myth of the cowboy coder is romantic fiction. We work as a team. Me, the software developer. Bruce, our debugger and tester. Andreas has been a software architect here for more than a decade. And Akheem, our new hotshot UX designer.

This morning, as always, the boss crams us into the conference room. “Busy day,” he warns. “First, our nightly build of the OutThink software crashed. The compiler reported 106 errors.”

“I’ll fix it,” I volunteer. “Probably a missing semicolon.” Sometimes Bruce tries to fix the code himself. He’s no coder.

“Good. Then Bruce…” Bossman skims a printed email. “Once OutThink is ready, we have our first test case. A North Korean general has gone rogue, seizing a nuclear missile base near the Chinese border. The CEO wants Services to champion a counter-assault. Immediately.”

“Once OutThink scrambles their military network,” Bruce plans, “I’ll lead a commando raid against him. But my .50 BMG machine gun is in the shop.”

“Take mine,” I offer. “I won’t need it until next month’s financial audit.”

“Awesome, Phil,” says the boss. “Way to be a team player. But don’t flick matches at the conference table.”

Oops. I put away my box of strike anywhere matches. “Sorry. Nervous habit.”

“Moving on… Corporate Security thinks one of our interns is a spy from our competitors. Akheem?”

Akheem frowns. “Why single me out?”

“Relax, Akheem,” whispers Andreas, leaning into Akheem’s ear. “Your résumé lists two years of Javascript, CSS, and counter-espionage.”

“Oh, yes yes. I will do what I can to find the traitor.”

“Good. On an unrelated topic, the San Diego office thinks someone is plotting to steal the Green Dragon of Envy.”

Andreas scoffs. “That statue is carved from a thirty ton block of jade.”

“Nevertheless, our VP of Antiquities wants Services to investigate.”

“Ok,” he shrugs. “I’ll start on it tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow is a holiday,” the boss reminds him. “Do it today.”

An intern brings our coffee. As the youth sets the cups on the table, I glimpse a flash of sunlight reflecting from a weapon in the intern’s belt. A shaky hand reaches for it… then WHOOSH! The intern clutches his neck, pulling away the tranquilizer dart before collapsing.

Akheem leaps up, tranq gun still aimed at the unconscious kid. “Sir, I have found our spy.”

“Great job, Akheem! Ok, Bruce has a plane to catch. Everyone else, back to work.”

Thus begins another boring workday.

– – –

Rebekah suggested that instead of the usual Sixty Seconds interview, I write a flash story about my avatar. Obviously some things have been fictionalized:

1. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

2. Scrum meetings are developer-led.

3. I don’t flick matches. There’s a strict no-smoking policy, no exemptions for dragons.

4. So far I have found no one with JS, CSS, and counter-espionage. At best two out of three.

5. My drink of choice is not coffee, but soda.

There are some nuggets of truth, as well:

1. I sit through endless meetings.

2. If not for caffeine, I would sleep through endless meetings.

3. When not in a meeting, I stare at a screen for hours.

4. …only to find the problem is a missing semicolon.

5. Profanities fly freely within a development team. Earbuds can’t drown them out.

Five wins is an amazing honor, but the truest thing I can say is how fortunate we are to be part of such an active group of writers. Each week is an opportunity to bring new worlds into existence, and to share them with a supportive community. And tomorrow the cycle starts again.

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Phil’s story requirements:

* Up to 500 words; the protagonist will be your avatar

* In it you need to reveal 5 true things about yourself and 5 invented things 

* You’ve got 5 prompt words/phrases that you must include: flash, fiction, champion, writer, green dragon of envy

* Starting sentence: “Some said it was inevitable I’d find myself here.”